Breaking the Silence

Why did we meet?

I asked God.... and 'till now, He's been in silence...

You were the black cat in my dream - that was almost a year now. You never hurt me, nor gave me the thrilling emotion. You were just there, staring at me... your eyes strike my deepest. No one spoke, nor moved. We just simply stared at each other.

It was a year then that i better known you; but it was exactly 2 years and 2 months that i have first seen that addictive smile. In that four cornered walls you laughed - tada! like magic, i was captivated. From then, i kept missing your charms.

So when i was shared with that same smile i've been yearning to see again, i grabbed it like a child dying for chocolate, without any second thought, in exchanged for my sweetest smile. I'm too innocent to sense the trap behind those smiles, and the temptation within your eyes. They are the best combination to way through my weakness.

Stupid i was not to listen to the old myths. I enjoyed entertaining the black cat instead of staying away. But no, i hear no regrets from my soul. Being with you is a blessing. Those moments i shared with you, the stares and smiles... the gestures and words... all of it belonged to my happiness.

And like Cinderella, my clock strikes @ 12.

I left you from the dance we sweetly enjoyed... and that's the end... and the start of our battlefield.

Two dry months. No words from you, no smiles, no stares. All were pale, all were dead. Yet my inside is soaked with tears, hoping a new courage will grow. I'm sorry.

I thought, maybe restoring the friendship is not wrong at all.

We started from scratch again, healing each other. The 'getting to know' moves and smiles are back. I'm contented with where we are, not until today, when i realized restoring our friendship had restored as well the unfathomable emotion i discovered before.

I would like to regret my decision of having your smiles back again, but somehow, i don't know how to... 'coz i'm still thankful i'm having it.

I know the truth and i already embraced the thorns - acceptance is not easy at all. Can you blame this little princess still hoping for his prince to take her to his kingdom?

That is far far away... 'coz i know you will never be mine in man's eyes and importantly in God's eyes.

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry I’ve done this to you. I meant to be rude; but I never thought you would hate me this way.
I’m sorry I treated you badly; how I wish you know that this is all just a play. A role I must perform to stop this closeness we have.
I admire you. I wanted your presence. I wanted to be close to you… I always do… and still do.

I’m sorry that I must turn my way opposite to yours. I’m sorry I have to hide my smile when our eyes meet.
These were never what I wanted.
How I wish you know how I love to see you smiling at me, how I wanted to walk with you beside me…

I’m sorry I never given you the friendship worth to be offered. I’m so afraid I will deeply fall to temptation.
I’m sorry I’ve given full malice to your friendly actions; how I wish I didn’t.

Will you still forgive me? Will you accept the pure friendship I’d like to offer?

You are still my Manong and I still love to hear calling you that way.
I’d like to be your little sister. Please give me that second chance.

I’m sorry for everything. I hope I can make this up to you.
How I wish I could run to you and give you that squeezing hug.
I miss you so much; I’m not sure if I’m that important to you, but I hope you still care for me.

I’m really really sorry. I’m praying my sincerity will reach you.


“I don’t understand. Why I’m feeling so bad now when I know it was my idea?”

mon l'etrange // my strange one

No, don't stare - take those eyes away
You might catch my soul and lead astray
Those devil eyes are piercing; burns me alive
Boundaries are ruined by your blazing knives

No, don't smile - hide it from me
I don't want to feel the increasing tempo of this heart
Neither the losing control of the senses i have
nor the melting of the walls that covers this love

No, don't approach - change your direction
Don't walk towards me, i'll be poisoned
Don't be close, i'll be chained to sins and guilt
You'll destroy the tower of strength i built

No, don't talk - seal those words
Listening to Temptation is losing my spirit
Please spare my heart with your bloody sword
Or two hearts will shatter to pieces in the end...

Missing a Person

When can you say you miss a person?

Is it...
When everytime you see his place you would imagine his presence
When you see other’s smile you would remember his
When you hear someone’s voice you wished to hear his too
When you imagine his walk from someone else
When you mistook someone else as him
When you long for those little chit chat with him
When you remember those coffee breaks :)
When you would like to see again those stupid facial expressions
When you remember him even from a little “funchum” thing

...or maybe when you start to realize that your day will never be complete on his absence.

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Standing at the Edge of the Earth

by Blessed Union of Souls

I knew this moment would come in time
That I have to let go and watch you fly
I know you’re coming back so why I’m dying inside
Are you searching for words that you can’t find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don’t lie
Guess there’s no easy way to say goodbye

So I’ll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday you’ll come back again
I’ll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday

Don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say
I don’t want to let you leave this way
I want you to know that I’ll stand by your side
And I know this may be the very last time that we see each other cry

But whatever happens know that I’ll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you’ll come back again
I’ll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you’ll come back to me
I’ll be praying for whatever it’s worth
Believing that one day you’ll come back to me
I’ll be standing at the edge of the earth… hoping for someday…

Waiting for someday, believing in someday
Praying for someday
I’ll be… longing for someday
Clinging to someday, cherishing someday
I’ll be… thinking of someday
Dreaming of someday, wishing for someday
I’ll be… living for someday
Counting on someday, knowing that someday
…I will see you

admiring a married person...

“thou shalt not commit adultery”
“thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife”

Desiring a married person defies the two laws of God.
All of us Christians are very much aware of these two simple laws. Two person bind as one by the sacrament of matrimony will never be separated.
But are these laws applicable when desiring a married person …silently?

Coming from a broken family, the idea of falling on a married man is a great no no for me. I have experienced the pain of losing someone so precious; my bravest knight, my very sire. The crashing feeling of knowing you will never be the beloved little princess anymore – now that his majesty has already taken a new queen.
The concept as man taking many wives at a time is such a disgrace – moral degradation, a mortal sin, unforgivable; as the same way of a woman taking a married man as her intimate companion, or taking another man despite her marriage status.

With my views and experiences, how shall I judge myself then? ...when I found myself admiring a married man.

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From the busy corner of my career, he came. I never met him, no idea of who he is; no thought of his position. He was there, and I’m on my little chair thinking why I’m in this four corner walls having meeting with persons I don’t know.
It was my first week on my first job. I was assigned to assist a program on a critical project. He started to speak – authoritarian but friendly. I realize he was leading the team. Hmmm… that’s where I noticed his brilliance. A smart guy…
After the success of that certain project, he was out of the way. He became invisible then. He was there, and I’m on my little front corner desk – separated by our own individual world. :)

Ages passed…

He walked again into my life – on the time when my heart had given up to someone who I realized will never be mine again. He passed in front of me with his cute gestures (duh… no comment please); he started to smile on my way; he begin to create conversation (FC in short); what’s next?

“I curse you for being so sweet and so kind… Now I know you’re the dangerous type; yet, your face and smile tattooed in my mind”


“I don’t want to fall into pieces; I just wanna sit and stare at you.”

A friendship love that turns to be a love for a man…

Research says a feeling called “love” only last for 18 months. Beyond that, it is not a feeling but an effort and decision to continue what you feel.

Fifth year college it was when I knew I am falling for him; yet too strong to deny my feelings; too weak to admit it to myself. That was more than two years ago. I was hoping what I felt for him will disappear someday as I know feelings won’t last that long. 18 months has passed and I tried not to mind him – erased him from my every thought; yet he still lives.

I don’t know what he did to me, but since we parted, I can’t stop thinking about him. Every man that comes I compared to him. He is the reason why I put up myriad excuses in fulfilling my covenant with JC.
I just realized I’m still hoping he’ll come back; but I know he’ll never be. I can’t absorb the reality that I am yearning for nothing.

It’s been so long now, but why is he still on my mind? I sometimes think “love potion”? stupid to say that! A man I took for granted, a man I never thought I would fall for, a man I did cry for.

Insane, I gave him hanky before to test the belief if that would bring tears to the receiver; I proved it wrong. It is I who cried not him.

I missed him. I miss everything about him; his smiles and his actions, the way he cared and the way his eyes speak.

~2.17.2009